The End and the Beginning

This year is a lot to process. And it's a process which I'm still going through. I don't know how to simplify it for you and put it into a pretty little post of 500 words or less. I can't pack this up in a suitcase and send it home. Further, I don't especially find myself wanting to "pack it up," not even for myself, much less all of you readers. It's emotional for me, for some reason, and I've been avoiding writing this post for as long as possible. But we can't stay in the past forever, can we?

So then I have to snap out of it. Here's the run down/cause of all these mixed emotions:

1. Yes, my year as an au pair is done.

2. No, I'm not leaving the Netherlands. I'm actually not even leaving my host family. 

3. I'm staying with my host family while I try to get into art school.

4. So, during the next three months, I'll either be getting into art school over here (YAY) or heading back to America (BOO). Yes, I do have back-up plans, but let's hope I don't need to explain those.

So I'm here, again. Instead of taking a ten-hour flight back to America on January 7th, I took a one-hour flight to London. (P.S. I totally had such a cool weekend there. I went to see Wicked at the Apollo Theatre, photographed graffiti artists, and worked on a project I'm calling "Only Human." The project is based on photographing broken public items and pairing them with portraits of people I meet nearby. I got to meet some pretty cool people that way!)

Broken Item: Trash in the Thames. Portrait: Cool guy and his dog. 

But that's all besides the point. I guess I'm being just a little mopey over the fact that this year came to an end so fast. One year, fifteen countries (but especially the Dutch one), sisters and friends visiting, art school. . . One year of falling in love with Dutch cheese and milk and bread. One year of cycling everywhere, being surrounded by a different language, going to as many amazing museums as I wanted. One year of becoming apart of another family, hanging out with crazy Dutch children, having au pair friends from so many different countries. One year, perfectly suspended between everything my childhood ever knew and becoming an adult who goes to school and pays for insurance. 

All that to say, these past few weeks have been hard. 

First, there was Christmas. Which, actually, was pretty fantastic. I love the idea of not giving gifts. Of just enjoying each other's company. For three days I had really nice food, played fun games (the Dutch have an awesome version of Mafia, which they call Werewolf) and then just blew up a bunch of firecrackers for New Year's. 

But of course, it was also bittersweet. I missed my family so much during that time. I missed Christmas breakfast and stockings and putting candy canes on the side of our mugs of hot chocolate. And goodness knows how much I miss snow-- curse ye, cold Dutch rain!

Second, I've been saying goodbye to several of my au pair friends who arrived at the same time as me last year. They're heading off to school, or jobs, or even other au pairing jobs. But goodbyes are hard. It's been hard for me to feel motivated to stay in contact with the constantly changing au pair scene, which by now, is populated completely by people who weren't here when I first arrived. It feels strange being so comfortable here. There's big changes:

-I'm no longer intimidated by public transport. Seriously, I don't even flinch, no matter what tram, bus, metro, or train these European countries throw my way.

-I can actually understand Dutch, so I can't play stupid too much anymore. ("Oh, I didn't know I was supposed to pay for this. I'm just a stupid tourist, I swear!") Take one look at my Dutch bag, Dutch sneakers, and bike keys and the game is up.

-I've actually been places in Holland. I pretty much know the cities, and I don't get lost in Amsterdam anymore. 

-Cheese no longer intimidates me. Yes, blue cheese, I'm looking at you. Mind passing a cracker?

-I may or may not be addicted to bread. When I first came, I almost went crazy with all the bread-- bread for breakfast, lunch, and sometimes dinner, too. Not even toasted bread, those hooligans! Now the bread follows me. It comes in my lunch, sometimes only with cheese and no other fancy toppings. WHAT HAVE I BECOME???

-And countless other things. My hair's much longer, my skin much paler, my accent much stranger (as I've been told?), and my eyes lined with just a few more smile lines. 

Plus, I've learned so much. Not only information I probably never would have known otherwise (did you know the Dutch founded New York and invented capitalism?) but also things about myself. You may think I'm dumb, but I don't think I would ever even try to go to art school unless I came here. I never would have known I prefer red wine over white, or the time I get to spend in trains. I've cooked at least four dinners a week for a year, like a real adult. I never would have developed a world view on politics, or even understood my religion like I do now. 

I wish this year could have lasted forever, perfectly suspended with the people I met, the constant feeling of discovery. I'm so glad it happened, and so, so sad to see it end.

It's a lot to process. And it's a process which I'm still going through. I don't know how to simplify it for you and put it into a pretty little post of 500 words or less. I can't pack this up in a suitcase and send it home. Further, I don't especially find myself wanting to "pack it up," not even for myself, much less all of you readers. It's emotional for me, for some reason, and I've been avoiding writing this post for as long as possible. But we can't stay in the past forever, can we?

So what's next? This is actually the main reason I wanted to write you. As many of you know, I'm trying to get into the Reitveld Academy. I'm also applying to two other art schools, but Reitveld is my #1 choice. I may know as early as February 13th whether or not I'll be getting in, but at the latest, it will probably be more around April that I find out. If I get in, I'll be staying in Holland for another four years to get my undergraduate degree. I'll be staying with my host family for probably another year or two, to help transition them to au pair-less life (after 13 whole years of having au pairs!). 

More importantly, perhaps, has been not my self discovery, but my decisions. Let me explain. Before I came here, I read a lot of blogs au pairs wrote about their experiences. There's one in particular which I loved: thelifeofthebeloved.wordpress.com. In the blog, the au pair often talks about her sort of crisis which I believe every young person has. The crisis of "what do I do with my life?" and "who exactly do I want to become?". It's really the first time we're made aware we have the choice, actually. Anyway, I remember her writing about how she's moving forward, after au pairing. Or how, even halfway through the year, she had begun applying to programs for after her au pairing year. I remember thinking, "Wow, that would be so nice to feel like you have some direction in life, and to feel so confident about it." I also thought there was no way something similar would happen to me. 

And there I was, about halfway through my au pairing year, working on my portfolio and going to art school. Funny how that happens, huh? Life wouldn't be a good story without a few charming twists in it.

So, my decisions. I've made one really important one: I want to be an artist. Like, go to school for it, earn money from it, do it in my free time and for work. Subsequently, I want to go to school, almost more than anything else now. Despite not having the freedom to pack up and go on whichever random adventure fancies me. But hey, at least I'll probably be in Europe for another four years, right?

But I've also made another decision: I really love blogging. It's super cool, I like to write, and people actually like to read it! Perhaps more interesting to you, my readers, is that I'm actually going to be starting a new blog. 

Here's the plan: the blog is going to be called "Quarter Life Crisis" and is going to be centered around young people making their dreams happen, sooner rather than later. I'll be sharing my own journey as a chef, au pair, nanny, etc. as well as featuring some really cool people I've met. Fellow artists, world travelers, super smart scientists, the doctors of tomorrow. I'm planning on making the writing on the new blog a bit higher caliber-- with this blog I just wanted to make sure I was taking time to communicate and share my life with you precious people who've taken the time to care and invest in me. I actually had a rule when writing this blog: I had to write it the day I publish, and I don't get to edit it more than once before I publish. It got the performance jitters out of the way, but I know my writing wasn't amazing most of the time.

I'm still working on gathering some starting content and building the platform itself, but as soon as it's up, I'll let you know (on here, facebook, instagram, twitter, shouting from rooftops, what have you). Very exciting stuff. 

So now you've been informed. It was very difficult for me, mainly because of this part: it's time to say goodbye, again. These next few months will be very challenging for me as I work extra hard on entrance exams, but I'll be resurfacing again soon. Keep tuned for that new blog.

But before I leave, I want to give one last parting gift to you. Although I'm sure most of you have seen it, I spent this last year taking one second of video every day. And I compiled it for you! I'm so thankful to all of you: the ones who took time to teach me, to feed me, sometimes even to house me. The ones who met up with me in random cities, or let me follow them to new discoveries. This year is incredible, and you're the ones who have made it so difficult for me to say goodbye to it.

The video's too large to upload onto here, but you can watch it on facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/jessicajwolfe.road.less.traveled/videos/10208498451844153/?theater

So, farewell for now (but we all know it's only "until next time.")

Much love,

Jessi

See you when I see you, as a "new creation" :3