Chasing Blue

As I splattered paint across my third canvas of the day,  I had a little moment. One of those moments, usually few and far between, when you're suddenly aware of exactly what you're doing, where you're doing it, and how unusual and fantastic the experience really is.

I'm in the Netherlands, learning about abstract art on Thursday night, after work.

But how did I get here? Why do I get to be the lucky one, out of many others who would like to be doing similarly wonderful things?

I have a secret for you: I wasn't brave. Not even a little brave.

I just have a habit. I think this habit developed when I was young, running across the endless fields of my childhood. Scampering after my older brother who was telling me all about how lucky we were to be able to play all day like we did. How countless other children had to do this dreadful thing called "school" everyday and sit in classrooms for hours on end.

Many years later, I had the realization that I was one of those unfortunate children- stuck behind a desk and forced to focus on writing, writing, writing. Diving deeper, deeper, deeper into the depths of my mind and further, further, further away from the freedom of open blue skies I used to know.

I also realized I couldn't do it anymore. It didn't matter to me.

I was Wendy, listening, in horror, as her parents discussed her need to become a lady. I was Pippi Longstocking being told she had no father and needed to go to the orphanage rather than live in Villa Villikula. I was Curious George being told to stop asking questions and Calvin realizing Hobbes may be imagined.

And I was having none of that.

I remember begging my mother to find an alternative to high school. Although I was a successful student, I hated being stuck in a classroom all day. I hated that I didn't have time or energy to play, and that I never got to see the people I love most- my family.

The short story is that we did find an alternative way. I graduated and again prepared myself to dive into the life of a student, this time as a University student. Although I was mentally prepared for the challenge, reality hit like a cold blast of air- I couldn't afford it. At least, not where I was, how I was. The only solution- dive further. Deeper, deeper, deeper into the depths of my mind and further, further, further away from the freedom of open blue skies I used to know.


And I realized I couldn't do it anymore.

Part of me knows it's childish to run away like I did. I could have stayed. But the other part of me knows that that adventurous, wide-eyed and timid little girl would have died. I could have stayed, but the world would go deeper, deeper, deeper into my mind and further, further, further away from the open blue skies I used to know.

And I wasn't having any of that.

Someday, sometime, I'll have to face that little girl. Tell her to grow up, at least a little. But I thought it was important that you, my biggest supporters and friends, know that I'm not brave. Not even a little. I'm not surprisingly courageous or extraordinarily beautiful or fabulously talented.

I just chase open blue skies.